An Invitation to LOVE
2 Truths in Building Sustainable Love
Valentine’s Day brings up a lot for most of us. We have these ideals of romantic life and we often haven’t been taught an effective tool kit for how to build realistic and healthy relationships. Here are two simple truths that might support you in your journey.
1) In relationship we naturally look to the other. This is natural and part of being human…and if you think of it, it’s part of the reason you fell in love. And while we are wired for connection and intimacy, looking to the other as “the source and solution” can create burnout and may doom your relationship. When we feel our needs aren’t getting met, it’s natural to look to the other person to change. Yes, you may want them to be different, but if you are looking at them as the source, or the solution, you will be barking up the wrong tree. Energetically they will naturally begin to defend and push-back. The more you focus on them, the more you will get what you don’t want or like reflected back to you. Here’s a hilarious video of Brené Brown on a very common dynamic in relationships. Check it out!
Brené Brown on Blame
2) You are the ONE you’ve been waiting for! Relationships offer us mirrors to our inner world. When we look deeply and honestly at these reflections, we learn to build a loving and responsible relationship with our own shadows. Hence we enable ourselves to transform and heal.
Here are some great questions to be curious about in your relationship with yourself as you reflect on any relationship challenges:
~ What might my partner be triggering in me that feels unsafe?
~ Where do these patterns feel familiar?
~ What might my reactions reveal about myself and create opportunities for understanding my needs better?
~ What is it about myself that I don’t want others to see?
~ What do I most judge about myself? How might that be showing up in my relationship?
~ How can I nurture myself in my pain and discomfort when my partner is not capable of meeting my needs/wants/desires?
~ How am I relating to myself, am I taking care of myself?
Relational counseling is powerful as it can help us take a “U TURN”. When we take U TURNS, we can listen into our own unmet needs and begin to care for our own pain. Yes, be our inner parent…Our partner can’t do that. But once you can do that more for yourself, you can begin to shift your emotional and energetic patterns in the relationship. You will begin to grow new eyes and new awareness. It allows us to see relationships as a co-regulatory process that can bring about more intimacy and connection.